Respecting Your Age

Sneaky SnakeI have a cousin 17 years my senior (not my oldest cousin). This post is about an important lesson he taught me: respecting your age.

We bond over our common passions of eating food in mass quantities, examining goals and dreams, advising me on all future life choices, and detailed powwowings about all of life’s strange adventures. On this last trip to Egypt, we walked around a mall talking about places to travel.

Me: Do you like camping and outdoorsy activities?

Cousin: Sure, as long as I can go home and take a shower and use the restroom.

Me: ugh… I can’t take you anywhere then!

 Cousin: Listen, a snake can bite me, but not up the @$$.

Me: Uncontrollable laughter

Cousin: I don’t feel old, but I have to respect my age. I’m not going to crap in the woods and look for tree leaves to wipe my @$$ with. I am just not going to do that anymore. We can do whatever during the daytime, but I will go home to take a shower at the end of the day and use the bathroom……. You want to fight aliens? I’ll fight aliens all day, but at night, we go home to use the bathroom. Then we can go fight aliens the next day!

All day

I mean, what would you tell my kids? They will ask “how did daddy die?” And you will have to say, “he was squatting, helpless, weak, and trying to take a sh!t, then a snake bit him in the @$$”. After all I’ve been through, I’m not going to go out like that.

I'm too old for this

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