Sand Reclamation

I have always known that my folks are a bit eccentric. 

 Some of you may know that my dad breeds birds. He has a bird room filled with hundreds of exotic finches. The other day, I helped my mother clean out the cages. I thought this task consisted of sizing fresh newspapers to line the bottom of the cages, replacing the old lining with the new lining, and sprinkling it with fresh sand. It is almost like changing their sheets, except they are messy eaters and crap all over their bedding. 

“Don’t throw away the [bird sh!t] with the old news paper at the bottom of the cage,” My mother instructed me. “Dump it on the floor so we can reclaim the sand!”

These are all the tools you need to start you own sand reclamation project.

I then started dumping the bird excrements on the ground, curious about this “reclamation” project. Once I finished laying fresh lenins in the bird cages, I tried to tip toe out of the room unnoticed. I failed at this task because the bird room is a converted 11×11 bedroom.

 

“Don’t think you’re done yet!”……”Now, what you do is sweep everything into a big pile.”

*Laila sweeps everything into a big pile*

 

“Good, now what you do is pick out all of the hay and large pieces and throw them away. Then, sit on the ground, scoop up some of the pile, and put it in the sifter. Stick your hand in there and move it around so all the sand comes out. Then when there’s no more sand, you throw away what’s left over in the sifter.”

*Begrudgingly, Laila performs the aforementioned task*

“That’s it. Get all the sand out.”-Mom

“Oh, don’t think you’re quite finished.”….”Now, you have to get very low to the pile of sand and blow out all the seeds.”

*Laila proceeds to lower her face to the ground and blow out all of the seeds from the sand pile*

 

“Don’t think you’re quite finished!!!”, Mom is chuckling under her breath. She thinks I don’t notice. “Now you have to take the [shovel] and scoop up the sand. But you have to lean it against your arm so none of the sand falls out. Then walk over to the sand bag and dump in the sand!!”

*Laila then scoops up some sand, braces it with her arm and waddles over to the corner to dump the reclaimed sand in the bag*

 

And that, dear readers, is how you reclaim sand for your dad’s bird collection.

It’s not called winter break. It’s called a vacation.

I’m on vacation now. A few things to know about vacation:

1. It is not a ‘break’, such as fall break, winter break, spring break or summer break. It is vacation, and there is only one of it to be shared among the four seasons.

2. It is not a few weeks or even a few months long. It is just under two weeks. It is designed to re organize your stuff and prepare for the next year of moving and working.

3. No one asks you how school is going anymore. Also, people have stopped congratulating you on graduating.

4. Unlike ‘break’, you can afford things on vacation. Time, rather than money, becomes the limiting factor. I’m sure this is also a product of single life. 

On the first day of vacation, I did some budgeting and such with the help of my parents. “I’m very proud of you. Now I want you to start a filing system.” My dad then disappeared into his office and retrieved a small plastic filing device with a few hanging folders in it. “I want you to have this. You can keep your files in it.” For those of you who know my dad, you can imagine the significance of this event. I have three files: Whataberger, Credit Card, and Other Important Documents. They have sub folders, but this is not the time to reveal my intricate and highly classified filing system.

Day two of my vacation, I went to the fabulous Las Vegas. I went to see the Sun Devils play Boise State in their bowl game. Those of you who saw the game know the result, those of you who didn’t – all you need to know is, I actually went to Las Vegas to meet up with my favorite engineer and badass friend, Francis. The visit was short, but really fun.

We ran into some other former classmates from ASU.

Francis and I graduated together last May. We made a pact to meet up in random places and explore the world together. Vegas for a day after just a few months working is a nice starter.  We indulged in some in-room dining.

 

 After a quick visit to Vegas, I returned to spend some time with family in east Texas. I am not sure if I should give these folks aliases, as most of them are you, the readers. Anyhow, here we go…

 

“The Kardashians are moving to Dallas.”-My sister

“Whoop whoop, who gives a —-“-Me

“Only Khloe is moving to Dallas. With her boyfriend.” -Mom

….

“The only time I’ve heard mom cuss is when she said ‘Damn Christmas and Damn Easter!'”-Me

 

“I love this family. They assume [digestive distress] before theft.”-My sister

 

“That’s all there is to do in Tyler: go to target and go to the bathroom.”-My cousin, Orpheus.

 

“The stores are going to close! Hurry, call Papa Johns and see when they close in case we get hungry.”-My Aunt, Sesame on Christmas Eve

 

….

“This is such a girly morning. We’re hanging out, doing face masks, playing with the baby….”-Me

“Making lemon bars at 7:30 in the morning…”- My cousin, Sriracha

 

Orpheus hails from Houston and has an adorable son, named Zorro. Zorro likes to pretend he is talking when he is just making little noises, chase my sister’s cat without ever touching it, and do things which earn him an applause, which is almost everything he does. Zorro also likes to watch various videos on You Tube.

 

 

Orpheus and Zorro watching you tube on an iphone:

 

Other family events: One of my cousins, Yalda, invited her boyfriend-soon-to-be-fiance to meet the press.  By press, I mean the family. Let’s call this guy Fadi. Fadi is awesome. I am very excited for them and look forward to welcoming him into the family. I would love to talk about the shitstorm interrogation Fadi suffered at the hands of my uncle, Uncle Anvil, but that’s irrelevant.

 

Today, I sat next to my dad on the couch to watch some Premier League. It feels good to be home and with my parents. A morning with dad is not complete however, untill he has called Verizon to “cuss them out”. This “cussing out” was basically dad asking them to stop sending him e mails about things, as he does not care and does everything through the US Pony Express. If it was truly important, they would take the time to stamp it!

 

Happy Holidays, folks.

Greatest Hits

“Looks like you’ve got the shits and a nasty bug bite!”-SoccerDad commenting on the doctor scene of the Overly dramatic and awesome radiation movie which we have watched twice now. The Silent Source. It includes ghosts, a senseless janitor with an unrealistically attractive wife, and the most paltry closing statement from a defense lawyer EVER.

…

“Objection! Badgering the witness.”-Overly dramatic and awesome movie we had to watch (twice) about radiation safety and laws.

“HoneyBadgering the witness….”-Big Shot Becker

Today is my last day in Oklahoma. My departure from here and subsequent arrival at (my parents’) home is limited only by my speed of packing, which has been slow. I am very excited to leave and spend time with my family.

Strangely, I feel that Whataberger has been my family these last three months. When I leave here, there will be no more HoneyBadger and Trunk Monkey antics. Beatrice, Tommy and SoccerDad will be working in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska. Edwin will be working somewhere in Canada, or something. His location is still not sure where he will be. Okonkwo will be working in Chad. Albert and I will be going to Houma, Louisiana.  I have termed us: Houmies!!

A photo from our trip to Arizona over Thanksgiving

No more Big Shot Becker. He will be working in New Mexico. Gertrude will be joining me in Louisiana. There are a couple dozen co workers going to work all over the world.

 

As for me, I have several days of “vacation”, before reporting to Houma. Most of these days will be spent hanging out and dodging my mother’s request to pack my things. A few of these days will be spent with my grandfather, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Some of my vacation days will be spent goofing off with old friends. I am thoroughly excited for all of this.

 

This blog has become my personal scrapbook/journal. Thank you, readers, for taking an interest in my life. This ends Chapter One: Welcome to the world of  Oil Field Services, Corporate America, and Paychecks. Keep an eye out for Chapter Two: Welcome to Houma, Rookie!

Here’s a short collection of some photos from my first three months of having a professional job.

Notice how clean our hats and onseys are....Hardly working, my friends

 

Some Monkeys in Albuquerque, NM

 

Room with a view. Thanksgiving Break.

 

Houmies in the Air and Space Museum outside of OKC.

 

That hat says "Whataberger"....

And Then There Were 21

The international students have gone, except for DutchCoWorker. Tomorrow and Tuesday is radiation training. Last night, we all went to the Hard Rock Cafe + Casino. It was reminiscent of Vegas, but much less exciting and fancy. There was a Toby Keith’s inside. I ate there with Beatrice and Tommy. We talked about how great our time together has been and how sad it is to be leaving each other soon. We made a Trunk Monkey facebook page to share photos. Friday night, Whataberger took us out to eat for our final dinner together to celebrate the ending of the course. Riddles happened to be in town and came out to dinner. He sat at my table along with Jake, Beatrice, Tommy, SoccerDad and another character from the training center. I ate Filet Mignon. And oysters. And lobster tail. And frog legs. It was a classy dinner and a lot of fun. The restaurant was running low on frog legs, and the table next to us was quite jealous of our 3 orders.  Jake’s response to Albert’s jealousy was to wave his hand and proclaim,”Yes, frog legs for all!” After dinner, we presented our gift to Jake. He seemed very happy. He then presented to us our class pictures and certificates. He also gave us all cowboy hats with our class name printed on the inside.

In other news, I have been wearing my Forever Lazy all day (in case you haven’t heard of this, refer to this videohttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GED89KpkpGE). I have utilized the butt flap and have several comments, starting with: it’s fairly pointless to have the butt flap while you’re still wearing pants under it. 

Me greeting the pizza guy wearing a Forever Lazy.

I also brought the Forever Lazy to the Hard Rock. At one point during the night, I put it on and danced around in front of the high stakes rooms with glass doors. When I say “danced around”, I of course mean I did the running man and various jumping jack type moves. Life is too short to not be embarrassing in public. I’m sure my mother would have been proud.

 

“Last night, I heated up the Chinese food I had saved. Then I decided I didn’t want to eat it, so I threw it on the floor.”-Big Shot Becker

 

“In my house in college, we had four hooks by the door with Snuggies on them. They were labeled ‘Grant, Andrew, Becker, and Guest'”-Big Shot Becker. This idea is both clever and hilarious.

 

“If you’re going to stick your hand up it’s @$$, you should probably sing to it too.”-Big Shot Becker, on how to prepare a Thanksgiving dinner. He sings to all his turkeys.

 

“I first rufeed my bed.”-Dutch co worker explaining how he came to be asleep in his bed.

 

“Maybe you’d have an easier time counting it if you counted in sandwiches.”-Crazy open holer making fun of Laila, who can’t count. Laila then threw the money she was counting and said something to the effect of “Count it your self.”

 

“Hey, doesn’t the carpet patterns look like faces?”-Beatrice

“Yeah. You know what would really piss my mom off?” *jumps and stomps on the carpet faces*-Me

 

This quote is made funnier if you are familiar with the story of 4 year old Laila stepping on shadows of people’s heads and Laila’s mother being very disappointed and making her apologize to the people who’s shadows she was stepping on. “That was very disrespectful”-Laila’s mother’s comments on the event 16 years later.

 

I have previously talked about our “game” of giving fingers. This game has spread to the open holers. They mean well. This is simply our version of waving to one another. Consider it a warm gesture. Merry Holidays, everyone!

Merry Holidays from the Open Holers

So Concludes Chapter One

Almost. After tonight,  I have two days of radiation training. Then I go home. Then I go to Houma to start work on January 3rd.

Today we had a video conference with headquarters, our instructors, and the head training guy. Tonight, Whataberger is taking us our to dinner and a fancy place.

Last night, Albert caught his random roommate singing. He recorded audio of his roommate singing “Amazing” by Bruno Mars. He just sings the song over and over for aproximately 20 minutes. I will try to post this video. Brilliant.

“This better not be f&$%ing power rangers! I’ll f&$%ing kill you. I’m not watching power rangers.”-SoccerDad

“We’re not a nation of clowns!”-Edwin

“I graded it already….. looks like shit!”- Chinese instructor talking to an openholer in the hallway.

“The bus service these past two months has been shitty, for lack of a better word.”- Head of training guy

“Oh, today is your last day, huh? This is why everyone looks groggy. I think they were out last night.”- Headquarters guy we video conferenced with from Paris. We were very groggy looking.

….

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/14/baby-seal-house-couch_n_1146980.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

 

That is all. I’ll post more later.

Dear Edith, Love Bieber

Today, Albert, Edwin, and myself went to do some gift shopping. We picked up an angel from the Salvation Army. Our angel’s name was Edith. Edith is a 12 year old girl. The subsequent couple hours were quite the circus. I shall start with quotes, then explain what we were doing.

“This girl’s parents are going to be like ‘Great, a bunch of 22 year old engineers picked out all her Christmas gifts.'”-Albert

“Yeah… They were not cool when they were 12, and they are not cool now.”-Me

…

“12 year old girls love this store!”-Me

“I still love this store!”-Albert

…

“She wants a CD player…. does she want any CDs?”-Me

“What do 12 year olds listen to?”-Albert

“Selena Gomez?”-Me

“We can get her a Bieber CD!!”-Edwin

“No!”-Albert

“Yeah, I’ll sign it: Regards from Canada!”-Edwin

…

“Just get her a black one.”-Albert, on getting shoes

“We don’t know what she likes!! Just get a black one.”-Albert, on getting a sweatshirt

“Get a gray one.”-Albert, on getting a t shirt

…

"These are cool!"-Me "No! Those are golf shoes!"-Edwin

Essentially, we wandered around this mall trying to figure out what “Adult Small” means for a 12 year old girl and if she likes the color pink. We also contemplated what her style could be, and if we could help her out at all by getting her cool stuff. The major problem with this?…. we were never cool. And even as we tried to figure out what a stylish 12 year old wears, we noticed we were all dressed in gray/black t shirts. I was wearing a goofy touk. We are the least qualified bunch to be trying to trend set some middle schoolers. Our only clue? Beiber.

While working on our job, Jake mentioned that when people ask him what to get him for Christmas, he tells them to get an angel off the tree at the mall. While we aren’t wanting to get Jake a Christmas gift, we did want get him something to show our appreciation for the last few months. We got him a Forever Lazy, a cool picture, and signed Edith’s name on our thank you card. Gift presentation happens Friday, at our end of training dinner.

Buying stuff for a child you don’t know, based on their sizes alone, is challenging. It was also a lot of fun, it felt like a scavenger hunt. While buying the things on a child’s wish list is an added load your budget may not support, it’s a great thing to do with a group of friends. So if you have a few buddies and a spare afternoon/lunch break, run around the mall together scavenger hunting for your Edith.

Dear Papa Johns

I hate that you’re too busy to deliver me a pizza. I called you and waited 10 minutes on hold. Then I hung up. Then I tried again an hour later. You took my order, but told me you were the wrong store. I called the right store. They put me on hold too. The universe does not want me to order a pizza.  The latter part of this post contains the funny stories. I figured I would mention that in case you have short attention spans and only read this for the quotes and stories, skip to the end. I have also added some random photos at the end.

I just finished my third and final job. I was first engineer. I think it went well. Supressed excitement fills the air at the training center. All my co workers, including the open hole Honeybadgers, are on their final jobs. Everyone is under much stress, but still very happy and relieved and excited that training is coming to a close. There is an energetic undertone behind every wave across the well sites. I like it.  I spent most of my time tonight trying to clean dirt/well fluids/ corroded casing out of the creases in my knuckles. This is what my onesy looked like last night after I spent two days working at the training center:

I had another shift today. I pulled a dirty onesy out of my laundry hamper to wear, as it was considerably cleaner than the one I had been wearing. I have developed a few mildly superstitious habits. One of which is: I can not wear my red knitted touk. It is bad luck. The one time I wore it for my job, I failed. The one time I wore it working as a crew member on a co worker’s engineering shift, their job also went awry. No red cap. Another superstitious ritual: I do not chance out my long socks that I wear with my boots between jobs. “Laila, that is disgusting!” I know. The last and final ritual: Change out a onesy only when it looks like picture above.

This is my face and hand after spending two days working at the training center:

Sorry for taking a picture of myself in a mirror. I just wanted to share my dirtiness with the fans.

Many of you may know that I have never successfully stayed awake for 24 hours consecutively. The only time I came close, I ended up sleeping much of the night on the kitchen floor of my former roommates’ apartment. I would like to take this time to let everyone know: I’ve done it! I did pass out sitting up and cuddling my backpack in the back of a logging truck at hour 24.

My crew for this job consisted of Albert and Edwin. After engineering, you are immediately supposed to playback your job. For our crew, this meant logging all day, and playing back all night. When I say “all” I mean 11 hours of scheduled logging time, and 8 hours of scheduled playback. This usually means the engineer will end play back around 2 am. After Edwin’s shift, he went to sleep in the back of a truck. There is a bunk house at the training facility, and most people needing to stay over night will utilize it. Albert arrived at the training center in the morning around 6 am to engineer his shift. He went looking for Edwin in the bunk house. Please imagine the following scene: “I wanted to wake up Edwin, but I didn’t want to wake up anyone else. So I walked around with my little flashlight and cupped my hand over it. I would just briefly shine it on people’s faces to try to find Edwin. But everyone’s face was covered!!! So then I shined the flashlight on their boots, trying to recognize which one’s were Edwin’s. I thought I found him. I was about to wake him up, but then I saw a pack of cigarettes. Good thing I didn’t wake that guy. Can you imagine what he would have thought!!”

“Honebadger tired.”- Big Shot Becker, getting off the shuttle van at our apartments after several days spent at the training center.

After Chuck Norris left the classroom on Tuesday, SoccerDad walked to the front of the room.”Oh, look what he left behind!…”. Everyone in the room looks up eagerly to see what could be left on the desk. SoccerDad turns around *finger*. Well played, sir.

“I remember the first time I used a wrench.” -Tommy giving SoccerDad a hard time. Sayings like this can be heard all.day.long. They are usually combatted with several fingers, fired in a hand gun.

“What are all these police cars doing here…? Oh, it’s the f&$%ing Christmas parade.”-Jake, driving us through town on the way home.

“In Tulsa there’s the Mullet-Mart. This is the Meth-Mart.”-Jake commenting on a Wal Mart as we passed in on our way home.

We have all pondered what makes Jake organize the schedule the way he does. How is it determined who works with whom and in what order?  Before this job, the madness was revealed. Jake, “I have a random number generator. It is based on the background noise on a radio that picks up signals from the edge of the universe.” And so it its, the universe decides.

…

“Laila, you’ve got sh!t all over your face.” -Tommy

“Yes I know.”-Laila

“Especially right around here… ” *gestures to his own upper lip area* “It looks like…” -T

“Like I have a mustache?”-Laila

“It looks like someone Sanchezed you.”-T

…

I have previously described another instructor at the training center. I have previously referred to him as BurmeseMan. I would like to elaborate on this character and emphasize the extreme hilarity he provides in everyone’s lives. Let’s give him a more fitting name. I realize this will be useless, as I am leaving the training center is a matter of days and will never interact with this man again. Nevertheless, let’s call him Kung Pow. Kung Pow is old school. He knows no rules and does not give a crap about safety. When we are logging, the cable runs from the back of the truck in a horizontal line through a lower pulley device near the ground. It then runs up vertically and through another upper pulley device several feet in the air. This upper pulley is called the upper sheave. It is a safety policy to never walk under the cable with tension on it. Also, never walk under the upper sheave. We place cones out where the cable is running. Back to Kung Pow. The other day, we witnessed him tripping over a cone and walking under the upper sheave. For imagery, I want you to picture the movie Role Models. Now picture the king of LAIR. This is what Kung Pow reminds me of. A couple of nights ago, Whataberger had a company Christmas party. Since we are just lowly students, we do not get to go. Jake filled us in on the highlights though. Kung Pow wore a white suit.

Thumpin up close.View of our training pad as we drive downt the hill just after sunrise.

Busted…

My fellow trunk monkeys have discovered this site. I have spent much of my day sitting next to Beatrice in class as she scans through the archives. “What?! My name is Beatrice? I sound like an ugly fat girl.” The good news is, my stats today have totally sky rocketed.

We received our graded jobs back yesterday. This was good news for me. Our time in training is drawing to a close. The feeling is reminiscent of my last semester of college, but far less sad and anxious. Today, we had a different instructor. “He looks like someone famous, but I can’t tell who….”-SoccerDad. About an hour later, Beatrice leaned over to me, “I figured out who he looks like. Chuck Norris!”

“There is a bit of tolerance for the ‘shit happens’ factor.”-Jake

“When the oil field first started, the fields were no where near civilization. Like in West Texas.”-Chuck

…

“You have to own 50% of a company’s stock to own the company. So usually a group of people will own a bunch of stock. Like, Steve Jobs doesn’t own the company.”-Tommy

“He doesn’t own anything now.”-Laila

“He sold it?”-Albert

…

“Yeah, it’s polite to lift your leg up and fart in the middle of a group of people…”-Beatrice

“Well that’s not rude, it’s funny!”-Albert

…

“A lot of chemical engineers graduate and go work at a plant. There are engineers and a shop supervisor. These engineers spend 25 years hoping that shop supervisor guy dies so they can get his job.”-Chuck telling us why working for Whataberger is awesome.

“You may be correlating your gamma ray log to a 70 year old SP log…..Have fun”-Chuck

“Look at you all bright eyed and bushy tailed on your first day!!”-SoccerDad teasing me about my ID badge photo:

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed

“I hate Santa!”-SoccerDad. This quote requires some back story. I may have previously mentioned that we ride to work everyday on a school bus. The bus company has provided us with ample frustrations and placed us in some awkward scenarios. One bus driver’s name is Santa. I feel this name needs no explanation. Unlike Santa Clause, Santa the bus driver is grouchy, unpleasant, unjolly, and does not bring us toys. There are usually 5 to 6 busses at the apartments in the morning. You have to wait for the bus driver to place blocks under the bus wheels before throwing your backpack into the storage thing and boarding the bus. If Santa is present, you may only board a bus once the bus in front of it is completely filled. This is annoying, as getting on the first bus usually entails fighting off several fully grown human adults to muscle your way to the bus door. No thank you.

 

Other good news: today, I planned and booked a trip to Las Vegas to go to ASU’s bowl football game with a dear friend. I feel strangely grown up. Other potential exciting news: The BCS championship will be in New Orleans. I will be in/near New Orleans. My co worker and I are contemplating going.

Sorry, Hokies

This post is dedicated to the Hokies. Albert is a Virginia Tech alum, and quite a devoted one at that. Tonight, VT is playing Clemson. I guess this is a big game or something. We are all together taking certification tests. Albert has ESPN on. I would also like to note that he does not have in a dip, but rather, he is fervently chewing on a straw. The following are just some quotes.

“Can we make a rule for just this game? You guys can’t make fun of me for anything that comes out of my mouth.”-Albert

“I’m sorry, we can not make that deal.”- Tommy

…

“I hate college football. The rules are bullshit. It’s not like the NFL.” -Albert

“Well, It is not the NFL. They are students.”-Laila

“We’ll agree to disagree.”-Albert

…

“F&#$ing right!!!!!”

“F&$%.” – after Clemson’s touchdown

“WHAT HAVE I DONE!?” – after stepping on the remote and momentarily changing the channel

*heavy breathing*

“Come on, Virginia Tech! What the hell are you guys doing?”

“Don’t you dare tell me that’s a first down.”

*closes eyes, crosses hands, and prays in silence*

“AAAH Balqioriujlkaehgkhq. Go baby, go.”

“YEESSSS. whoo!” *jumps into the air making a Y, clapping*

“Baaah! Why are we watching commercials!”

…

“Why aren’t we watching the OU v OSU game?” -SoccerDad

“Because Virginia Tech is playing!” -Albert

“But Virginia Tech is getting their asses handed to them.”-SoccerDad

“It’s ten to ten, you d!ck!”-Albert

…

“What the f&#$ are they doing?”-Albert

“They’re playing like sh!t balls.”

*consitpated noises*

“YES!….F&$%!”

“This game is over. Change the channel.”

“I need to go home and be alone.”

…

“What’s a Hokie anyway?” -SoccerDad

“It’s a bird.”-Albert

“It’s like a turkey. Virginia Tech Turkeys”-Laila

Go Hokies!